I'm Mason and my pronouns are he/him. Don't be afraid to ask me anything, or simply say hi! Avatar edit thanks to n7punk and header from ND Stevenson’s twitter
You’re fresh out of college and looking for a job. Everyone is hiring. Nobody who’s “hiring” is actually hiring. You finally get a call back from somewhere you barely remember applying to (though the voice on the other end sounds synthesized). You pull up the job listing again real quick. The company name and the fact that the listing is for “Minion” are kind of concerning, but you know what, you’ve interviewed with enough evil corporations by now, you can handle one wearing its true colors on its sleeve. At this point it’s a matter of making rent or moving back in with your parents, and as much as you love your family, you can’t imagine spending another summer dealing with your brothers’ antics. You agree to the interview.
The man who greets you is an enthusiastic older German(?) man who’s either way too into cosplay or just that committed to the bit, judging by the lab coat. He made cookies. The tray of cookies is proffered to you by a ten-foot-tall robotic caricature of a 50s businessman. You take a deep breath to calm yourself. You bite into one of the cookies. It’s delicious.
You ask the boss about his business model. “Oh you know, a little of this, a little of that, I bounce from project to project a lot.” He mentions that his end goal is becoming the undisputed ruler of the surrounding counties. “Really? Not the whole world?” you ask. “I like to set realistic goals,” he replies.
As he gives you the tour of his “evil lair,” ingrained instincts are screaming at you to report this guy to some kind of authority figure. You remember the salary. You decide that you can always bust him after getting your first paycheck.
The boss asks when you can start. Caught off guard, you say “tomorrow?”. Your boss(?) says he’ll see you then.
On the way out, you bump into your stepbrother’s girlfriend. Your boss introduces her as his daughter. You both silently agree to sidestep the subject for now and act like this is your first time meeting.
You show up to your first day of work. Your boss is putting the finishing touches on a giant machine that was definitely not there yesterday. You are nonplussed. You ask him what it’s for and he launches into a convoluted explanation involving his parents always forcing him to put his shirts on backwards so the tag was in front. You think he should probably talk to a therapist.
Your brothers’ exotic pet breaks down the wall. You stare at him. He stares at you. Incredulously, you say his name. “Oh, good, you two already know each other!” your boss says. You mention that you used to live with him. “What? Perry the Platypus, you never mentioned having a roommate.”
This is what I like to imagine Candace Flynn’s life is like, post P&F.
Universal reaction to this post.
figured out it was doof by the time we got to the giant robot, FULLY thought it was phineas until OP said “candace”
I’m up to the “I dunno maybe children working 13 hour shifts is bad, guys” part of Capital and it feels important to inform people that haven’t read it yet that capitalists in the 19th century were not by any means wringing their hands and twirling their mustaches about employing children to squeeze out profits, they were hiring “experts” to write newspaper articles for them, explaining how “well, the socialists have these big demands about an 8-hour work day, and taking Saturdays off, but it’s actually just so complicated, it’s too complicated for most people to understand, we just NEED to hire children for night shifts because the stamina of their strong, youthful bodies is the only way we can survive as a business! It’s science, you see. Economics doesn’t work like that, just ask our economics professors at Oxford. You CAN’T turn a profit only working people 8 hours! Trust the experts, they know. It’s just so complicated…”
That exact infuriating cadence that you read in New York Times articles, in the Atlantic Monthly, in the WaPo and all the other bourgeois rags where “everything is so complicated, and it’s actually a lot more complicated than you think..” that has been around since the beginning. It is nothing new. So the next time you see some op-ed from Matt Yglesias or any of those other guys huffing their own farts about how “complicated” everything is, and how “unrealistic” a 30-hour work week is, remember that Marx was dealing with that exact class of “intellectuals” “explaining” how working 13 hours at age 10 was “vital” to the “moral fibre” of those poor kids.
Registered sex offenders in Ontario would not be able to legally change their names if a bill that’s before the legislature passes.
The legislation jointly introduced this week by Progressive Conservatives Laurie Scott and Laura Smith is all but ensured passage, with their party – which has a majority in the legislature– supporting it.
“This bill, if passed, will stop the Karla Homolkas from becoming the Leanne Teales,” Smith said, referring to the infamous killer and her name change.
“We just feel that the right to change somebody’s name should not be abused. We want to strengthen our province’s commitment to zero tolerance to these offenders and their heinous crimes and put our full support behind the victims and the families … We have to close up this loophole.”
lots of people in the states being changed to count as ‘sex offenders’ thanks to a lot of anti-trans bills, and with Saskatchewan passing their shitty “need parents’ permission to change pronouns” law that just passed…
😬
Your reminder that - yea, even in extreme circumstances like these - rights are rights, not “good boy privileges”.
When we take away the rights of undesirable communities, we give the oppressor the tool by which to disenfranchise anyone who opposes them.
People with most mainstream tastes imaginable should not open their mouth on how anti piracy they are btw. Yea no shit you can depend on legal sources to watch Marvel and listen to tswift and Maroon 5. Thank you so much for signing the petition to close that platform that was the only one i could download this 2008 romanian dungeon synth ep from
Cheryl Dunye’s directorial debut, The Watermelon Woman, was out of print between 2000 and 2018. Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace was only available to watch on a pirate channel on YouTube until last year. There is still no way to watch the X-Files spinoff, The Lone Gunmen except to own a dvd box set that has been out of print since 2005. Or to pirate it. It’s on YouTube.
Piracy is incredibly important to keep media that’s weird, or out there or just embarrassing to someone in power, alive. We need piracy and we need to stop being snitches when someone pirates stuff.
ALT